Lets set some things straight here.
I’m a little over 5’2″. On a good day, I’m 138 lbs. On a bad day, 142 lbs – bad days are that gross time before that time of the month where I just feel massively bloated. My legs are really long. ‘Short’ Pants are too short. My inseam is about a 34 – which is long for a girl of my stature.
Here is a picture of me trying on dresses for a wedding this weekend. I think I rocked it. (PS, I’m not wearing this dress. I’m wearing a different one that is more wedding appropriate)
About a month ago, this dude I was semi-seeing told me that he didn’t want to get intimate with me anymore because ‘I’m not his type, sexually, because of my height.’.
I was a little offended by that, but you know, nothing I can do about it, so I started moving on and seeing other people. But its the 21st century, and so I continued ‘dating’ this guy. Why? I honestly don’t know. I was told by several people that they didn’t like him and by dating, I mean we did things together like going to outside lands and cooking and sometimes held hands, and usually ended up in the same bed, but you know, for sleeping and that’s about all.
So we were discussing pictures of me throughout my college years when I was experimenting with hair color and had my lip pierced and he decided to comment on my height compared to all of my other friends. So I jokingly made fun of him for commenting on my height and not anything else like the drastic physical changes I went through hair and lip wise. And then we got to pictures from freshman year of college and he told me he liked one of me in my dress at a formal because I ‘looked really skinny in it’.
Ok, boy, you’re treading on thin ice there.
And then it happened.
“You know, can I be honest for a minute here. It’s not your height that bothers me, it’s your weight.”
He didn’t tell me this in person either. This was on gchat. If he did, fist to balls right there.
You never tell a woman she is fat. If that is the reason you’re not into her anymore, don’t say that. Ever. I was floored. He said he was really sorry that he was shallow about it and that he didn’t know what to do.
My response to this was ‘Go F*ck yourself and never speak to me again.”
I guess it’s a good thing though that he was that brutally honest. It gave me a wake up call and a good out. Its what I needed to say goodbye. It’s not the first time he has insulted me and I’ve let it slide, but still held onto resentment or still been bruised by the comment weeks later. He’s insulted my job (I’m a bartender) and has generally been not the best person to me despite telling me I’m his closest friend here in the Bay Area. If your someone’s closest friend, they generally should put some effort into seeing you. If you’re having a bad day, and they tell you they will talk to you later about it, they would talk to you later about it.
Sorry, this is turning into a rant about everything that I resented or didn’t like about this relationship and thats not what I want to do. I have to completely let it go and move on.
What I really want to say is never tell a girl her weight is an issue. Especially if she really isn’t that fat and isn’t unhealthy. Its just how my body is and how it always has been and I was comfortable with it. The problem is that this comment is still bothering me a week later and I really don’t see an end in sight to the hurting it is causing.
I’ve been told by two different amazing people that I am in charge of the way I feel about something. I’m the one who is in charge of the way things effect me. I need to use this anger and this hurt to work on myself. Not to work out to look hotter in the eyes of this one man, sorry, boy. But to feel even better about who I am and feel confident again. My confidence has slowly been fleeting after interactions with this guy and I don’t think I’ll be able to truly find someone i can be myself with until I love myself and feel comfortable and confident in the body I have.
This sounds easy, but I know it won’t be. Its hard not to dislike your body especially as a woman with the ‘sexy’ norms pushed at us in the media. But I don’t want to get into that. Really I just want to talk about how this last week has made me realize that I was losing sight of myself again and how I really need to think about what I need to be happy with myself before introducing another person into it.
It wasn’t just because of him, either. The last two months have been stressful and not the most productive for me in terms of self discovery /self rejuvenation or overall just figuring out what I want right now. I realized – with the help of the movie Lola Versus – that working on myself should be the most important thing to me right now and that I really need to find my direction.
In the film, Lola (Greta Gerwig) goes through a nasty break up after her fiance breaks off their wedding weeks before the event. She then goes to destroy her relationships with her friends and lose herself in the following few months. At the end, she realizes that she needs to rebuild her friendships, and take a step back from being with someone to really evaluate her life and discover herself.
So that’s what I need to do for a while and see where life takes me.
“I’m taken. By myself. I just gotta do me for a while.” – Lola Versus