GUEST POST: “Love in Comparison”

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The following is a guest post from my friend Jenn. It’s entitled “Love In Comparison”

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Wew. Ok, here goes. I’ve spent my weekend reading two books.

“How To Succeed With Women” by Ron Louis and David Copeland

and

“Why Men Love Bitches” By Sherry Argov.

Both of these books are aimed to help the male or female gender attract the opposite sex.

I would love to read dating books for same- sex dating, but I was not able to find a book at Barnes and Noble that offered such advice. If anyone knows of such a book, please send me a link because  I was not able to get that side of the story in this instance.

I should note that I initially bought a different book aimed at helping women date, only to realize when I read the author’s name, that it was written by a  man. I feel it would not fit my purpose to use a book written by a man looking for the female point of view, so I bought ” Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argov.

Another interesting note, “How to Succeed with Women”  authors have actually written a book called “How To Succeed with Men”. Go ahead, look it up on Amazon. They actually claim to help you defend against the tactics they taught men in their prior book. Can we say, ” New Age Dating Arm’s Race?”  These guys are getting profits at both ends.

Anyway, let’s get down to brass tax.  I’ll start with explaining both books, guy book first, then girl book, and then going into where they differ and converge and finish up with some recommendations. Ready? Let’s go.

Take Control of Your Life Fellas, and Show a Little Tenderness!

I was really excited to read this book. Guys, I’ve always wondered what it’s like for you. Even more so, I wanted to know your motivations for some of your more confusing behavior to me. Here is my summary of what is in this book:

Let’s start with interactions with chicks.

1. The first thing you must do is to assure, through your words and actions, that you are not a dangerous lunatic.

Dating for women, or even meeting guys can be dangerous for women. In the first interaction of meeting a women, she is trying to decide if she is taking a risk by talking to you. This is a real danger for women, and you have to do your best to make sure she does not feel unsafe talking to you.  This comes by not being over bearing. You can accomplish not being over-bearing by letting go of fear of talking to women. Want to know how to let go of that fear? Following the next tip.

2. Talk to as Many Women as Possible.

   The more women you talk to, the more women you meet, the more likely you are to find a date. When you know you have lots of options, you will not feel pressure to successful in every interaction you have with a women. Even with the best advice, you will not be successful in every action.

3. Don’t take it Personally when a Women Turns You Down. 

Do not take it personally. When a women reacts negatively to your advances, this will hurt you, but you just have to let it fall off your shoulders. If you are shot down, be respectful of course. But don’t take it as a personal attack. Maybe she’s having a bad day, maybe she has recently had something horrible happen to her like a family member death- you don’t know know what she’s going through and you shouldn’t take it as a sign that there is something wrong with you. Just move on.

4. Be Respectful, and Interested. 

Try and make a emotional connection with the girl. For example, Bob walks into a Starbucks and asks the barista about her necklace. The barista then reveals she got the necklace while visiting India, and talks about her amazing experience with the guy for a couple minutes. The barista has now made an emotional connection with Bob, and will associate him with how she feels about her necklace. Nice going, Bob.

 5.  Make Her Associate you with Love, not Friendship.

One of my guy friends is excellent at this. Not only does he follow the above 4 rules, but he has his own way of ensuring girls see him romantically. Every girl he meets,  he makes sure he touches her. to Not in a scary kind of way, but he makes sure it happens. It really doesn’t take much. Pat on the shoulder, touch of the arm. You can try this tactic, but use with discretion and good timing. Also, this takes a lot of confidence.  And always keep it friendly.

In another note, when you talk to her, immerse her in a different world. Talk about romantic things.  Start off on the romantic foot, because in the first few minutes of meeting you, a girl could decide whether or not you’re boyfriend material, or just in the friend category.

If you fail to follow this rule, you will end up in the friend zone.

6. Be Appropriately Challenging.

Fellas, every had the feeling of a beautiful girl slipping away and losing interest in you, only to have your efforts do nothing? Have you ever tried as many kind gestures as you can think of, only to loss the girl and leave yourself wondering where you went wrong? Well, the reason is you weren’t enough of a challenge.  Don’t do everything for her.  Earn some respect. Doing kind thing after kind thing will not make a girl sleep with you. Women are not machines you can put kindness in and get sex out. The spark of romance lives in the chase and the challenge.

You should value the woman you’re trying to pick up, and appreciate her by being a good listener. However, don’t be a pushover. You can disagree with the things a women says,  but you must follow this formula: 

1. Challenge her by stating your disagreement.

2. Change the subject,  without trying to change her point of view. 

Guys, girls do not want to be corrected, they do not want to be told why you think they’re wrong.  It is a mistake to think that it is your duty to correct her on the things that you think are incorrect. Let her have her own opinion.

However, you having a different opinion is actually a fantastically attractive thing. It shows that you have something more valuable than her. This will, most probably, make the other person respect you more, and maybe even work harder to obtain your approval. So guys, find the balance. Romance lives in the spark of challenge, not mushy pushovers or overbearing preachy jerks.

7. Do Not Try to Solve a Women’s Problems. Just Comfort Her

If you try to solve a women’s problems, you will become a problem. Just listen and be comforting.

8. No means no, fellas. Also, never hit a women.

Self explanatory. Don’t be that guy.

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Ok, those are some of the harder concepts the book delivers. Want to know what the rest of the book says? Let’s go, short and sweet.

1. Keep your house clean and comfortable.

2. Keep your car clean and comfortable.

3. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself fit.

4. Get out as much as you can. Take charge of your life and get out here and meet people!

5.  After a month, she will consider you her boyfriend. Be prepared for the consequences.

6.  Recognize the kind of women you want. Every woman is different, and she will like different things.

7. When it’s time to call it quits, do not be unneccasry cruel, and be very clear. Let her down easy. Also, make sure all of your stuff is out of her apartment. Girls will treat relationships like you had something together. They are not aware that you may have not been so invested. [From M – I love this last bit about girls treating relationships like you had something. It’s true. We do and I don’t think enough guys know this. So Dude friends – remember this when you’re comforting a girl friend whose been through a breakup. It feels different.]

8. First date? priming date. Set her up to think of you romantically by creating an aura of magic and romance.

9. Dates after that, more serious. Be prepared to plan.

10.  NEVER REVEAL HOW HARD YOU WORKED TO MAKE EVERYTHING SEEM RIGHT AND MAGICAL ON DATES OR ANY INTERACTION WITH HER. IT WILL ONLY MAKE IT SEEM LIKE YOU ARE MANIPULATING HER.  Romance should feel like it just happens, with no effort at all. Do you want to brag about all your hard work or do you want a girlfriend? I thought so.

11. Topics to avoid discussing:

a. Controversial topics that could offend her

b. Anything to overtly sexual

c. Violance

d. Death

c. Children being harmed or abducted

d. How much you hate your boss or job

e. How much you hate marriage

f. How much you hate anything

g. Past Girlfriends

h. How often you like to have sex.

i. Topics she is not interested in, likeCars, math, gaming consoles, Star Trek, Doctor Who, sports, ect.  WRITERS NOTE:  THIS IS  QUOTE IS STRAIGHT FROM THE BOOK. IF YOU ARE ON A DATE WITH ME, PLEASE TALK ABOUT MATH AND DOCTOR WHO, GUYS.   I REALLY CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT STUFF.  THE ONLY THING ABOUT DISCUSSING DOCTOR WHO ON A DATE IS I WILL COMPARE YOU TO HOW HOTT DAVID TENNANT IS AND YOU MIGHT PALE IN COMPARISON. ‘[M – yes. yes a million. I love Doctor Who… and Star Wars. +1 million points if you can tell me who you’re favorite doctor is and which of the villains is your favorite.]

   12.  Try to have fun. Dating is meant to be fun, so just relax and enjoy it.

Phew. Okay, now let’s go over to the Ladies’ side.   

All my Independent Ladies! Hold Your Ground. Value Yourself First. 

This will be short and sweet. Ladies, dating advice for you is much less complicated. Apparently, all you need to do is value yourself over him.  Men don’t respond to words, they respond to no contact.  Keep yourself financially and emotionally independent from him.

Don’t get too far too fast. Keep PDA in public areas. Avoid being in situations where you would be expected to give it up. Just don’t put yourself in that situation.  Before serious interaction, the woman is thinking clearly, and the guy isn’t. Afterword, the situations reverse. Tread carefully, ladies.

Throw him a bone every once in a while, Appeal to his guy-ness.  Make him feel good. Only on guy things, do not use him to fix your emotional problems.

Don’t smother him. Give  a guy space to be himself.

Guys will pull away from you just to see how you’ll respond. Don’t respond negatively or positively. Negative attention is still attention. Just don’t respond.

If you nag him, about something he is not going to listen. For example, the following is a list of how guys will handle nagging.

How Guys Shift the Blame.

1. He’ll tell you the timing isn’t right. It’s never a good time to talk.
2. Before hearing a word, he’ll tell you you’re being“Too Sensitive”
3. He’ll get a rotation: Monday and Wednesday you’re “Overreacting”. Tuesday and Thursday you’re “Blowing it out of Proportion” And on weekends ” you’re Imagining Things”
4. He’ll change the subject and say, “You’re starting your period, aren’t you?”
5. If his argument doesn’t work, he’ll be combative and repeatedly point out you started the argument.
6. If you has six good points, and she has one semi good point, he’ll put all the emphasis on that semi good point.
7. He won’t veer. He’ll keep asking about his one semi valid point over and over. When you don’t quickly answer, he’ll use it as evidence that he’s right.
8. He’ll find fault that has nothing to do with the argument.
9. He’ll ask you why you do this to yourself.
10. He’ll roll your eyes if you try to explain it in a different way.

Don’t Nag.  Actions speak louder than words, and if you try to use nagging against a guy nothing will happen and he will try to label you as a crazy person. Be cool, baby bird, and  find someone else to either do the thing you were trying to get him to do, or withdraw your time and attention from him. He will do the minim amount to keep the relationship going. It is your job to set that minimum. 

And if he doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve, take some advice from my good friend Beyonce.  To the left, to the left…

Also, I would like to add that as a general rule, guys like to label women as crazy to manipulate them. Try reading “An Open Letter to the Guy Who Called Me Crazy” on The Frisky.

Also, a hat nod to the guys that I knew that used  threatening violence to himself in order to get some from my friend. Go to hell, darling. Please and Thank You.  Oh, and you too, won’t take no for an answer guy.

Man, the majority of my guy friends from college acted like jackasses. I really hope you grew out of that.  Is there a place you report friends who are in abusive relationships at Pitt? That would have been tremendously helpful, and it might have saved a few people’s social lives[M – I really wish there was… We’ve all been through one, and it’s never OK to abuse a girl. I’m not talking about physical abuse, but emotional as well.]

I have stopped having nice things to say, here. 

III. Similarities and Differences

Similarities

The length of time that is vital in a relationship for different reasons, was both agreed upon, independently of one another, was one month.

After one month,  “How to Succeed With Women” says, she will consider you her boyfriend.

“Why Men Love Bitches” recommends waiting at least one month before intercourse.

Wanted to know how long you need to go out before being taken seriously, girls? Follow the advice to stay away from situations that put too much pressure too fast. Stay away from the cozy fireside blanket with the bottle of wine and more on  the side of kissing in public.  Don’t worry about guys. The guys will want intercourse as soon as they can get it. According to the guy book.

There also seems to be a transfer of balance of power that both books agree upon.  Before sex, the power is held by the female. After sex, the power is held by the male. Both books agree on this transfer of power.

Differences

The guy book was clearly a guide to catching a girl. The girl book was a guide to keeping a guy at bay enough to keep your self respect and happiness. The old theory that ” Guys go after girls and not the other way round” held true in these instances.

Like a reflection in a pond, each book reflected how arguments go for each gender:

Guys? Break up with that crazy girl who is yelling and complaining. OR ask yourself what’s more important: dating this girl or winning this argument? No matter how illogical she is. Reassure her she is right and avoid fights as much as possible.

Girls? Don’t nag guys. They will only dismiss you as crazy. Action, ladies, actions. Pull away from him or replace him. You don’t need to explain why. Just do it.

Guys: Be aware there are girls out there that are not financially independent, and may just get angry over you not paying for everything.

Girls? Be financially independent in order to be successful with men.

 IV. Recommendations

 Girls? Be aware that guys who are dating are probably dating multiple women. And there’s nothing really wrong with that. It’s just how guys are built. It takes guys longer to fall in love. Protect yourself emotionally and financially and you just might be okay. Throw him a bone every once in a while. Make him feel good about himself.  And don’t forget, you hold most the power in the relationship.

Better yet ladies, consider taking the offensive. Maybe if we just got out there and had lots of options, we’d  experience less heartbreak. Can we cut the other half a break and do some chasing? Take some tips from the guy section.  There’s no reason you shouldn’t go after multiple guys at once. Guys do it all the time. Just be discreet. What would happen if girls used the seduction techniques guys use to get girls? Would we live in a more equal world where  both sides got more of what they wanted?

Guys, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what you go through just to get girls. From our side, it just looks effortless. Thank you for being the tireless warriors you are.  I won’t forget it. Just stop calling us crazy when we are trying to communicate our needs, kay?  [M – In conjunction with this, Please read this article (ladies and men) by a male writer, Yashar Ali. It discusses how calling a woman crazy because of some very normal actions is considered abusive and why you just shouldn’t do it.]

Also, I recommend trying this yourself, by which I mean reading the opposite gender’s guide to dating. You’d be surprised what the other half goes through.

Overall, love and dating is intended to be fun. You shouldn’t take any of it too personally. Use  it to have fun, and take control of your life. Love is part of the great cycle of things, and despite how  nuts it is, it’s a beautiful part of life. It’s beautiful! Get over it already.

PS: I am now more qualified to date women successfully than most of  my guy friends. This is pretty silly.  Guys, I think you need to seriously step up your game.

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Jenn is a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh, Swanson School of Engineering (woo classmate!). She currently lives in South Carolina.

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