In which I try and Explain My Emotional Side

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All people have emotions. I like to imagine this ‘pool’ of emotions as exactly that, a pool. Maybe more like a pond.  Everyone has this pond full of shimmering swirls of colors. All colors – deep red for angry, black for hatred, maybe a sunny yellow for happiness. They are all there.The composition of the pool (which changes over time) and what a person’s spirit and soul interact with it is about as different as a brick and a balloon.

The people who claim they don’t have emotions are fill of shit. They do still have them, they just locked them away. Maybe something tragic happened at some point in their life and they have put a wooden cover over them followed by a few feet of concrete. They would have to chip away at these walls to find the pool again, but it is there. Others may just meander by, but never have the curiosity to even step a toe in; they just don’t care enough. Sometimes they gaze for a while when something moving happens, but they don’t try it.

Some just might not be able to reach the pool even though they continue to try. Maybe it is covered in glass. They can see the shimmering colors and the swirls of feelings underneath, but no matter how hard they try and reach for some emotion, they can’t see the invisible wall holding them back. They go about reaching their emotions in all the wrong ways. I don’t know what those ways are, don’t ask me, I’m not a psychologist.

Others spend some of their time wading around in their pool. They feel different things, but aren’t completely connected. Maybe sometimes they get in up to their waist or dunk their head under once or twice for an especially emotional event like meeting the love of your life, your wedding, or for the worse, a loved one’s funeral. I guess these people might be the “normal ones”. I do not fit in here. Clearly.

And then there are two types of very emotional people. Those that are emotional for bad reasons. They are the ones that dive in and swim around and not really care what they are feeling, they are just going all in to feel. Its really hard to describe this type of person. I guess I would say these are the drama queens. The people who pull emotions out of a hat. Their moods change; the pools flow from bright yellow to dark red and black in an instant. They rage. I would throw extremists such as serial killers or others who are always angry in here along with pregnant ladies or middle school girls. Definitely pregnant ladies. They grab an emotion at anything, but not for the better.You know who I’m talking about.

Finally, there are those who swim lazily through the pool basking in the emotions; enjoying every minute. The colors change with almost any stimulation, but it is a positive change – not necessarily positive emotions, but it isn’t a negative impact such as those directly above.

They are touched by people. Once they meet someone who changes their pool to bright warm colors, they grow attached regardless of the type of relationship. Generally, unless your a masochist, they want to keep those people around them. They want to be surrounded by positive energy and positive emotions. They want to maintain that warm feeling they get when they are around those people. The same goes with other things as well – art, music, dance. Everything. Everything stimulates an emotion. If you’ve read Star Girl, you understand what I’m getting at. These are the people who tear up at the elderly, children, or pets doing the simplest things. Some have a hard time leaving the pool; even when it is dark and unpleasant. Unlike those above, they want to feel. It helps them feel, well,  more alive.  These people are some of the most beautiful spiritually.

There is a quote from a movie (a bad movie), that just about sums up what I’m trying to say right here, sort of. Ok so it doesn’t sum it up, but it’s a good quote. It is from Raise Your Voice and it occurs when Mr. Torvald is talking to Terri about her music and how she can’t let go the death of her brother.

Well, you’re an artist and artists feel things differently than regular people. Look at Patsy Cline or Billie Holiday. You can hear it in their voice. Or, Vincent van Gogh. Cut off his ear, but hey, he could paint.

Now down to the point. I’m one of these last people. I get emotional about the most ridiculous things. I can meet someone and know them for a short period of time, but if they have a positive influence on my life, I don’t want to see them leave. Sometimes it is natural. Sometimes it is like getting a new book and discovering the most amazing world inside, and then having someone take it away before you get to experience the whole story. I guess the only thing to do in this instance is hope that life throws them back at you.  Please, I dropped a pumpkin my mom carved when I was 15 and it broke and I cried for about 20 minutes. I tear up when I see a puppy playing with a toy or carrying one around. I’m moved by almost anything. I don’t think that most of my friends understand this about me, about how I can get attached too easily. But putting up a guard is really hard for me, though I know I should have one. I just don’t think I would be experiencing life completely if I walled off my feelings. If I didn’t let myself be moved by the people I meet me in my life. Maybe I just haven’t been hardened yet. Maybe I just haven’t experienced something that will push me to only wade in the pool.

I’m not sure I want to. I like these emotions. I’m inspired by them. I’ve done some of my best art work and writing when upset or angry. Its a terrible feeling when you’re there, but I prefer it to not feeling at all.

Deal with it.

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