Battle of the Chick Magazines: Print Cover Edition

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I’m here to answer the age-old question plaguing millions of women worldwide (Ok, so maybe it just plauged me… and probably only for about 3 months before I saw the clear victor)

Glamour or Cosmopolitan?

Which chick magazine should I grab off the rack at CVS before hitting the gym? Which collection of writers will give me exactly what I’m looking for while sipping my daiquiri by the pool or sunning on the beach?

[Disclaimer: I don’t know anything about the inner workings of Fashion magazines. This is completely and utterly my opinion. If you don’t agree with me, then great. If you agree with me, then great. These are just my sarcastic observations.]

How will I determine the winner in my opinion?

I am so judging a book by its cover.

First I guess you notice who is on the cover. About 99% of the time, that doesn’t influence me. The same celebrities are cycled amongst the magazines as they come out with new movies or headlines to cover up…

1% of the time, I buy a magazine that I don’t subscribe to based on the cover celeb. The list is short. It includes Blake Lively, Tina Fey, and Emma Stone.. I’m sure there might be one other person or something.. Maybe Mila Kunis, she’s cool.

Anyway, you can’t really tell anything based on the person on the cover. Half the time, I don’t even read the article on who is on the cover and its the same business of who they are dating and what movies they are working on.

Moving on.

1.Round 1: Body Image
The winner: Cosmo

This is one battle I’ll give to Cosmo. Both magazines feature articles based on ‘slimming’. Glamour? Goes for making you look thinner based on jeans that you can buy to match your body type. Cosmo? Actually gives you exercises to do to slim your waist. Granted, most people are more likely to rush out and spend $100+ on slimming jeans over actually putting in physical effort to look good in jeans they already own. I can say that because I’m one of those people. Not really. I don’t have $100 to blow on jeans. But I probably won’t do these exercises for more than 2 weeks. (my loss)

2. Round 2: Sex
The winner: Glamour

Glamour wins this round (for me, anyway). I KNOW this is the ‘hot’ issue of Cosmo, but honestly, what issues aren’t ‘hot’ issues. This magazine is usually jam packed with sex articles and they all say the same thing. No matter how many times you tell me to have sex with my boyfriend in front of an open refrigerator, it’s still going to be wasting energy and I’m not 100% positive me running an ice cube up and down his penis will actually feel good. Last time I checked (someone male told me) that it definitely shrinks when cold. I’ve flipped through my share of Maxim issues (all of high school best friends were guys) and let me tell you, there is more sex and naked women in Cosmo than in a gentleman’s magazine.

The article in Glamour actually ASKS GUYS what kind of sex they like. I mean, what better way to find out what we should do than to go to the source instead of relying on female sex experts. You don’t have a penis. Stop pretending you know what guys want. ONE of the THREE articles in Cosmo actually does this too and it’s interesting to see what tips Cosmo has been shoving down our throats for the past few years guys actually like.

Moving on.

3. Final Round
Winner: Glamour

Hands down. An article about the real life struggles of a woman? OR you can read about how to be a bitch… or at least get someone to stop being a bitch to you. Your choice. Choose wisely. I actually read… part of the article in Cosmo. Let me tell you, it was not that impressive. It DEFINITELY didn’t deserve a full page.

I can sum it up in one sentence: Take the person aside and ask them why they are being mean to you.

Was that so hard to say in one sentence? I didn’t think so.


Here are a few interesting side notes and comments on various articles in each:

**COSMO: The Q&A Section always provides me with some laughs, this month? A true winner.

One girl asks if she should cover her tan lines while at work. The response is an obvious YES! The answer writer could just touch on the fact that yes, in a professional setting, you should cover tan lines. This is really all she needs to say. (Also, the way women’s bathing suits are today, you know.. barely there, umm… HOW are you even showing tan lines at work? Are you wearing strapless shirts that show your halter strap? I’m so confused.)

I feel like she had some sort of word count quota though because she touches on another aspect of why you should cover your tan lines at work. She goes on to state that you should cover them because you don’t want your boss to think that you’ve been spending all of your free time outside of work getting cozy with your towel. Umm, OK? Why not? You don’t want your boss to think that you actually RELAX in your time off? Do you want them to think that you have no social life and spend all of your time thinking about work? Because if that is the case, what are they supposed to think if you don’t perform well at work? That all of that time you spend stressing about work… outside of work… isn’t helping? Or are they supposed to get the idea that you spend your free time indoors reading? Wait, can’t you read outdoors and still tan? Damn it, multitasking! I forgot how hard you are to do! Oh I get it! You want them to think that you spend all of your time indoors watching movies and playing video games? Or, you actually think that if you don’t show tan lines they are thick enough to NOT NOTICE THE FACT THAT YOUR SKIN IS VISIBLY DARKER AFTER A WEEKEND!? Wow. My bad.

I could go on about that for ages. Point is, why did you even go there?

** COSMO: That Q&A again coming up with some real gems!

One girl asks how she is supposed to get her clingy friend to let her flirt at bars.

Here is an answer. Tell her to back the F*** off? Tell her straight up that tonight you’re on a mission to find a man for the evening and that she’s affecting your game. The answer the writer gave wasn’t too bad. Spend some quality time with her and then let her know that once in a while you want to spend some time schmoozing on your own.

But my favorite was the caption with the picture. Just give your friend the evil eye. THAT is a great idea. Not only will she have NO IDEA why you did that, but then she’ll get mad at you because you gave her the evil eye in the middle of a bar. I can just smell the burning fuse of a full blown episode of GIRL DRAMA. Maybe this is why I don’t have that many girl friends? Seriously? You couldn’t come up with a better photo and caption than to give your friend the evil eye so you can flirt with guys. Umm I thought we should be talking about… you know.. healthy communication in all relationships. But no, we can revert back to middle school for this one.

I know there are more things in here that I can definitely comment on, but the magazines aren’t in front of me and I’m at my ranting limit for the day.

I’ll probably update this eventually.


One thought on “Battle of the Chick Magazines: Print Cover Edition

    […] I mean, just look at the covers. If you don’t feel like taking the time, then read this past blog post comparing covers of the […]

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