Please stop reminding me that I am single, Dearest Subconscious

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(ORIGINAL POST DATE: Tuesday March, 29, 2011)

I had a dream on Saturday night.

It has left me somewhat sad and depressed for the past 2 days. Dreams like this always do.

Here is what I remember:
I was staying with a guy friend while visiting…somewhere. The location isn’t relevant. I was just staying with a guy friend. He had various physical appearances, which all vaguely resembled my ex boyfriend from CMU – each look only had subtle differences, so lets just say he looked like my ex. I don’t remember actually doing anything in this city that I was visiting. I just know that boy and I spent most of the time I was there kissing and cuddling (The dream was all PG), and talking about how much we were enjoying our time. It was a very lovely dream. I like dreams like that where instead of having a hot and heavy time, you have a sweet meaningful time. Someone cares about you, and you get that feeling from the dream.

This was the first 3/4 of the dream. As time progressed and my visiting time was coming to an end, it slowly started dawning on me that this boy that I was visiting was in fact engaged. Eventually I left, and then some time later was back visiting the city and stayed elsewhere, but went to a party at said boys apartment with some other friends. I remember chatting with a few of my other friends – all faceless – when the girlfriend or fiance or whatever of boy came to the party and I spent the rest of the time realizing that everything that he said was empty and meaningless to me. They were empty words whispered into my ear.

Then I woke up feeling completely and utterly alone.

Like I said, I don’t like dreams like this. I mean, it was bad enough that my subconscious was again reminding me a few things. That boy from CMU was my first real love, I think. I’m not completely sure. But we’ll roll with that. I guess my first non-high school boy that I cared about deeply for. And also that I’m really single with not even a potential date in the near or even semi-distant future.

So I spent my Sunday working out, reading, and watching TV and always with this mist of sadness touching my mind throughout the day and evening and continuing on through Monday.

Oh well. Today I am off to San Francisco to visit my cousin and forget about how lonely I am. I’m determined to have a kick-ass time and come back exhausted.


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