Its all about the will

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(ORIGINAL POST DATE: Wednesday March 9, 2011)

I hate my “Whats the Point” moods that come over me sometimes. They have been occurring more and more lately while I try and figure out what I want to do with my life. The engineering ship has sailed as far as I am concerned.

Here is the thought process that goes through my curl covered head.

“I really have a good idea for a book*. I’m going to start brainstorming for it!” *Substitute book with drawing or painting or crafty idea or even blog post.

I think about it more and more and come up with some more nifty related ideas.

And then the mood begins.

“Well… it’s probably been done already. Someone better than me has probably written something along these lines already*.”  *drawn/painted/crafted

I latch onto that thought. It infiltrates other aspects of my life.

“Why am I even thinking about this? Whats the point? I’m not making an impact. It’s not good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I’m the most mediocre person in the world. There are other prettier/smarter/more creative people out there that other people care about. I’m not one of those people”

And those thoughts continue until I am left laying on my bed, in the dark, thinking about how useless I am. How terrible of a person/friend I am.

I slowly stitch another smile onto my face, and get on with my day. Pretending that everything is OK. That I’m OK.

I know, I know. “You just need to stop thinking like that. You’re being ridiculous” People say… well I mean, I think people would say this. I haven’t actually told anyone that knows me personally about these moods.

But it’s not that easy. It never is. It’s changing the way your mind works, and that is a hard thing to do. It takes time, and sometimes I think that I’m not strong enough to stop. I don’t want to think and feel this way and I can feel a small bit of me locked deep down in my soul fighting to get free of the ugly black tendrils creating this dark prison. Sometimes it is successful of breaking free. Usually it just waits for the darkness to creep into hiding for a few more days or weeks if I am lucky.

I will not let this darkness take over. I won’t. I will not end up like my uncle… choosing to be selfish and leaving his three daughters fatherless. I will not end up like my father… using pain killers to block the world. I guess that this shows there is a little spirit in me. I have some hope.

Only time will tell. As long as I put effort into stopping these feelings; into knowing that I will create something magnificent. I will do something worthy with my life.

It’s all about the will.


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