I think I need to eat more passion fruit

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(ORIGINAL POST DATE: Tuesday February 22, 2011)

I spent a good chunk of my weekend reviewing the applications of high school seniors for a scholarship. Part of their application was an essay about why they want to go into the major that they intend on studying.

A majority of the students who knew what they wanted to study knew from a very young age or found something through their years in middle and high school that they were extremely passionate about and without which, they couldn’t be able to function. OK, Maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration. And most likely these kids were exaggerating when they wrote that prompt. But it really started me thinking.

I don’t think that I’m passionate about anything. I mean, there are things that I love doing and things that I’ve done for a long time, but nothing out of the long list of my interests am I passionate about to pour countless hours a week into…Except maybe reading and watching movies. Yeah I’m that pathetic.

I guess in high school/growing up I was passionate about two things – figure skating and music. While my involvement in figure skating fizzled my involvement in music increased. I was practicing at least 4 hours a night leading up to festivals and when I was in the Erie Youth Symphony Orchestra Wind Ensemble. I loved music but clearly not enough to stay involved. I didn’t even try to stay involved. OK that is a lie. I wrote to the director of the orchestra at Pitt and he told me (without even hearing me play) that I wasn’t needed/good enough for the orchestra. Pitt isn’t even a music oriented school. I took a chamber music class in college for a semester. It was really fun, but I didn’t put anywhere near the dedication in that I used to. The summer that I lived in Philadelphia, I joined a concert band. It was awesome until I ran over my alto-clarinet and had to get it repaired and it never sounded the same again. Sad day. I felt like a prize idiot. Still Do.

What about skating, you ask. Well, I still love skating and miss it every day. My body, however, does not miss skating. I tried joining the skating team in college. 3 years off is a long time. Loads of beer and moderate physical activity nowhere near as strenuous as skating doesn’t help. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about skating. I would have kept it up down here, but it’s ridiculously expensive. (Can’t be that bad you say… oh but it is! $200/month for coaches fees and ice time. + airfare and car rentals for all competitions, + hotel stays at all competitions, + warm up gear + skating tights and custom dress (about $200-300)…. it adds up).

There is really nothing that I put a large amount of time and energy into other than my job. I love my job.

I am passionate about travel, but am lacking the funds to do it. But I’m not into it enough to be reading about hundreds of different cultures and learning all of this ‘stuff’ about places around the world. hmm… maybe I should start doing that…. (Update: Why did I even say that? I do this every day for fun. I must have been a grumpy gus)

I used to draw a lot when I was little? But I have to be in the mood for that.

It scares me that I really don’t have anything that I’m super into. I worry that I won’t ever find my purpose in life. Or perhaps I have found it…and let it slip through the cracks.

I guess sometimes when I think about how I would be good at something, or how I should start doing something regularly, that I just think about how there are other people out there better at it than I am, and that I shouldn’t bother trying. Probably not the best take on life. I should probably fix that.

Oh well. I’ll find something. Until then I’ll keep trying new things. Can’t hurt, right? Right?

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